It is so painful
when somebody you have loved, trusted or helped as best you can, turns and
rejects everything you have done. Especially when this is accompanied by abuse,
criticism and the apparent desire on the part of the other person to inflict
maximum damage.I know exactly
how you feel, because I have been in that position of hurt many times. I
usually go into victim mode, disbelief at first, then crying that I did my
best, feeling useless but at the same time unvalued and that everybody hates
me. Sometimes, I then move into persecutor mode and call my enemy some pretty
choice names and think of how I can be avenged. I rarely go through with this,
though – my preferred tactic is withdrawal, obsessive thinking and lots of
chocolate. Others of you may act out in some way – raging, smashing plates and
so on.
Needless to
say, none of these responses are very healthy, although you may gain some
short-term relief.
One of the
difficult lessons of the spiritual path is that we are responsible for
everything that happens to us. Everything. No exceptions.
So the only
possible response is to look within and identify what we did to bring this
event about, and what lesson we are trying to teach ourselves through it.
Yes, I know. We
didn’t ask to be hurt, or have everything thrown back in our faces, did we? Who
would choose that?
And yet we do.
I see it as a
battle going on in our heads. On one side we have ‘the forces of light’ – our
divine self, our purpose and the spiritual team that surrounds us and helps us
– and on the other, our ego, whose job is to keep us safe and help us survive
in a world that it thinks is cruel, difficult and frightening. Our ego will do
anything to ‘prove’ that the decisions we made as children adapting to the
demands and expectations of our families and society were correct and essential
to our survival, even when it seems completely mad to deliberately create
unpleasant happenings. Together with these two forces we have the Universe’s
Law of Attraction – thoughts become things, that which we think (even
subconsciously) most about will be drawn to us.
So if we
believe that people are ungrateful and traitorous, we will attract those people
into our life. If we believe that we are rubbish, then we will make the
mistakes that demonstrate that. If we believe that we are fundamentally
unloveable, then we will draw in the people who will abuse and/or abandon us.
So here is a 5
step plan when you are feeling hurt and betrayed by those around you.
- Forgive the person who hurt you and
send loving and forgiving thoughts their way. Holding on to resentment
only hurts you – the other person doesn’t care! Remember – ‘holding on to
anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die’
(Buddha).
- Look within to see what
beliefs about yourself are being confirmed by this situation. Then change
the beliefs through affirmations such as ‘I am loveable’, ‘I deserve to
be treated well’, ‘I am a perfectly divine woman’ and so on. Consciously
decide to turn bad thoughts into positive, loving ones – you may need to
keep practising this for a while! If you need to work on loving yourself,
do the work; I promise you that it will be worth it.
- Remember that nobody has the power
to make you feel anything. They can have a damn good try, of course, but
ultimately you have to make the decision to allow it. Choose not to.
- Ask deep questions about what the
Universe is trying to tell you through this situation. It may be that you
have to let go of some beliefs about yourself as I’ve said above, or let
go of a person, change some unhealthy habits (like putting everyone else
first) or even reconsider your career, or find your life purpose or path.
- Do not take what the other person
has said personally. Oh, I know it can feel very personal, but it really
isn’t. The harsh words/ betrayal have come from a dark place in that
other person and are simply a projection of the bad stuff they’re
feeling, on to you. Imagine a sheet of glass between you and the other –
you can still see and hear each other, but the crap just slides
harmlessly down the glass and never reaches your soul.
I hope this has
helped. Know that you are enough just as you are, and the only thing that can
truly hurt you is yourself. Choose better.
Love and
blessings.
Julia xx
