The Shame of Being Fat

I was prompted to write this blog after a conversation with a friend. I'd asked her for feedback about why no one had signed up for what I thought was going to be a pretty bloody fantastic new course about how to stop the misery of yo-yo dieting forever. I'd had lots of interest - far more than for anything else I've ever offered - but no one actually going through with coming on board. This is what she had to say: 

large women in particular do such a good job of convincing themselves that they like being the size they are and that they 'might be fat, but they're happy' - they are terrified that if they accept that isn't the real way they feel that they will just curl up in a ball and die of shame. That fear is what keeps them fat and while you are inspirational; that is a huge wall you have to knock down and I can't think how you could do that easily!  I have to admit that I feel a little that way myself and I am someone who knows you well and trusts you implicitly.

Well, that was a quite a shock: I so pride myself on my empathy, and I've written loads about the corrosive impact of shame on women's sense of well-being and ability to truly enjoy being in the world, and I'd completely missed this one! Despite being overweight for most of my life, and knowing all too well the insidious lack of self-esteem and despair, I was so full of bounce and excitement that I've finally got it licked, that I know the secret to changing the mindset and the other tricks I'd come up with, that I forgot. I forgot about pretending not to care when someone makes a snide remark, or when the shop never has your size or the button pops at the most embarrassing moment. I forgot how much energy it takes to convince myself that I look better with a bit of padding, or that it's what's inside that counts.

So I'm sorry. And I'd like to put that right, if I may, by talking about the shame of being fat and how to get shot of that once and for all.

What I have come to learn about being overweight is that the fat has a purpose. It may be a tad warped, a bit of a twist in logical thinking, but nevertheless there is a purpose. Many years ago you made a decision, or possibly a series of decisions, that the  best way to keep yourself safe was to pile on the weight. Your ego felt that you were in danger of some sort, and this was the best solution it could come up with at the time to ward off the threat.

I'll tell you a bit of my story to show how that works. I'd known about this function of the ego for some time, what with my training in psychotherapy an'all, and spent some time thinking about what the purpose of being fat was for me. I came up with two layers (which I only much later realised that in turn covered up a third, but I'll come on to that later). The surface layer was the old 'fat is a feminist issue' thing: I wanted man to admire me for my mind, so I made my body as unattractive as possible so that I could be sure that if a guy was interested in me, it had to be for my brains. Makes sense, n'est ce pas? But I felt that this was only half the story. I found it difficult, but I confronted the second layer that actually the fat was there to justify to myself why men found me unattractive. In other words, if I was overweight, I didn't have to look any deeper for the reason why in junior school the boy I loved never asked me to do country dancing with him. The decision I made at this age was that men will not fancy me, so I may as well pretend I don't care - sometimes I even convinced myself.

This uncovering the reasoning behind my obesity kept me going for years.

And then I found the real reason.

One of the deepest levels of belief that I held about myself, an unbreakable rule even, was that it was not ok for me to be seen. I did everything I could in all areas of my life to avoid coming to anybody's attention - personal, career, you name it. This was the point of greatest 'danger' for me. I was a very bright kid, but got very mixed messages about that from my family, and eventually learned to protect myself by hiding away and not really ever doing as well as I should have. And of course, being fat is the ultimate invisibility cloak.

Looking back over the past couple of years I can see the path that I've taken to shed this belief. It started when I fulfilled a secret lifelong ambition, and started to take singing lessons. I'd always sang, all the time, but only under my breath so that no-one could hear me. Taking the lessons was the catalyst for me emerging from behind my disguise, and everything I've done since has been steps to allowing myself to be seen, to move into my purpose in life and stick my head above the parapet.

Has it been scary? You betcha! There have been obstacles, my ego has done it's darnedest to keep me invisible and 'safe', setting up some horrible experiences that have tested me to the limit. But I am safe, and nothing can harm me. I'm a grown-up now, I can handle the fact that some people will criticise and disapprove of me.

And I don't have to feel shame or be fat any longer. In fact, I thank my ego for doing so well in protecting me all these years, and tell her that she can have a well-earned rest now - I'll take over from here.

This is your truth too. Your fat is serving a purpose and when you have identified it you will be able to release it, as I have. There is nothing to feel ashamed of in doing your best to look after yourself. Your messages may well be very different from mine. But the time has come for you too to take control of your life, release the pounds, release the pain and love your life.

Let me  know if I can help in any way, or take a look here: http://julia-eastwood.com.

Love and blessings,

Julia

Be not afraid

I’ve been thinking a lot about fear lately. I came to realise that I have spent most of my life being afraid of one thing or another. You probably know the drill: afraid of getting it wrong, of getting into trouble, of someone not liking me, or criticising me. I’ve been afraid of not having enough money, of not dressing well, of failure, of success ….  unfortunately the list goes on.

 

But what I have come to realise is that there is nothing to be afraid of. Yes, tough things have happened, some people haven’t liked me, I have got into trouble (in both the old-fashioned sense and the literal), I have got things wrong and you know what? I’m still here, the sun continues to rise in the morning, I am still loved and above all – I am safe.

 

Because that’s where it all comes from, of course. All those fears are about not being safe in the world, as though what happens out there has anything to do with who I am – the real me, not the good girl who has tried so hard all her life. To feel unsafe is a killer – sometimes literally, but it certainly kills our soul. When we believe that who we are is defined at someone else’s whim, then that sets us up for some very rocky ground.

 

But at last, at my grand old age, I have come to see this for the great lie that it is.  I am never not in charge of my own thoughts and feelings, and short of a knife-wielding homicidal maniac, no-one can truly hurt me without my say-so.

 

The irony is that I have always regarded myself in many ways as courageous, and I have been preaching the gospel of living without fear for a long time now, first as a psychotherapist and now as a spiritual teacher, but it’s only been in these last few days that I have really seen the truth and welcomed it into my whole being.

 

There is nothing to be afraid of.

 

Nothing.

 

Nothing can hurt me unless I allow it, and now I choose to not allow it. I know that this metamorphosis has come about through my developing spiritual journey, as I have learned to take total responsibility for everything that happens to me and to grow in my trust in a generous, loving Universe. If you think that that just demonstrates my gullibility and new age wankerdom, so what? I know my own truth. For the first time in my life, I can honestly say, ”I am not afraid.” What about you?

Five Ways to Develop Your Intuition

We all have the potential to tap into our innate intuitive gifts, but as children we slowly learn to suppress our intuition in the face of parental or family expectations and beliefs. But the good news is that intuition is just like a muscle, so open up that can of Popeye spinach, and let’s get exercising!

If you’ve ever fancied having a go yourself at becoming more in tune with Spirit or the Universal Consciousness, here’s five ways that worked for me:

 

1.  Next time you have a decision to make, pause for a moment and ask yourself how you feel about the options. Allow yourself to sense which choice makes you feel happy, uplifted and moving forward. This is always an indication that this would be a good choice. If you feel, hear or know a check in your spirit, a feeling that something isn’t quite right, then this is a ‘no’. Be careful here not to let your ego do the work – she can easily convince you that something is right just because you want it! Ask your Higher Self to take the lead here, maybe asking ‘is this for my higher good?’. You may not hear the answer you want, but you will hear the answer you need.

  2.  Write a daily journal. In this place, write everything, and I do mean

everything, you are feeling, hearing or knowing. It doesn’t have to make sense, it doesn’t have to be a fine piece of literature, it doesn’t need perfect spelling and punctuation, it just needs to be from the heart. Pour out your thoughts and experiences, ask questions and write the answers, tell the Universe what you want. You will be amazed at the response you get from Source. Sure, you’ll tell yourself that you’re just making it up, that you’re only writing what you want to hear, but ignore the scared, frantic voice of your ego as she tries to keep you safe and in the same place you’ve always been. Push past it, and keep writing, every day. Just show up, and the angels will too.
 
 3.  If you don’t already have one, buy an oracle card pack and use it every day.

You can just pull a single card in the morning and ask for the day’s message, or do one of the numerous formal spreads. The sorts of questions I ask are ‘what do you want me to know today’, or more specific ones such as ‘what part of my business should I work on today’?’.  Again, when the sceptical inner voice tries to get in the way, thank it for its opinion, but that you choose not to take its advice at this time. The cards will also help you with making decisions, revealing your life purpose – well, absolutely anything, really. The more you ask them, the quicker the way in which they speak to you personally will be revealed.

 4.  Make meditation part of your daily spiritual practice. As you still your mind, allow yourself to hear the sounds of the Universe and to see the pictures that the Universe gives you. Trust yourself to understand their meaning, but if you struggle, ask the angels to make the meaning crystal clear.
 
5.  Follow the first thought. This is usually our intuitive response to a question or situation: what comes next is the adapted response that we learned as children to put in place of our intuition as we struggled to survive in our families of origin. Sometimes that first thought is so fleeting we’re not even aware of it, but with practice you will be able to identify it earlier and earlier, in time to forestall the inevitable ‘safe’ responses (bless your poor little ego, it’s only trying to help!).

And finally,  bonus number 6 – work with an intuitive (like me, hint, hint) who will mentor, support, teach and encourage to develop these wonderful gifts and get out there in the world to make a difference!