large women in particular do such a good job of convincing themselves that they like being the size they are and that they 'might be fat, but they're happy' - they are terrified that if they accept that isn't the real way they feel that they will just curl up in a ball and die of shame. That fear is what keeps them fat and while you are inspirational; that is a huge wall you have to knock down and I can't think how you could do that easily! I have to admit that I feel a little that way myself and I am someone who knows you well and trusts you implicitly.
Well, that was a quite a shock: I so pride myself on my empathy, and I've written loads about the corrosive impact of shame on women's sense of well-being and ability to truly enjoy being in the world, and I'd completely missed this one! Despite being overweight for most of my life, and knowing all too well the insidious lack of self-esteem and despair, I was so full of bounce and excitement that I've finally got it licked, that I know the secret to changing the mindset and the other tricks I'd come up with, that I forgot. I forgot about pretending not to care when someone makes a snide remark, or when the shop never has your size or the button pops at the most embarrassing moment. I forgot how much energy it takes to convince myself that I look better with a bit of padding, or that it's what's inside that counts.
So I'm sorry. And I'd like to put that right, if I may, by talking about the shame of being fat and how to get shot of that once and for all.
What I have come to learn about being overweight is that the fat has a purpose. It may be a tad warped, a bit of a twist in logical thinking, but nevertheless there is a purpose. Many years ago you made a decision, or possibly a series of decisions, that the best way to keep yourself safe was to pile on the weight. Your ego felt that you were in danger of some sort, and this was the best solution it could come up with at the time to ward off the threat.
I'll tell you a bit of my story to show how that works. I'd known about this function of the ego for some time, what with my training in psychotherapy an'all, and spent some time thinking about what the purpose of being fat was for me. I came up with two layers (which I only much later realised that in turn covered up a third, but I'll come on to that later). The surface layer was the old 'fat is a feminist issue' thing: I wanted man to admire me for my mind, so I made my body as unattractive as possible so that I could be sure that if a guy was interested in me, it had to be for my brains. Makes sense, n'est ce pas? But I felt that this was only half the story. I found it difficult, but I confronted the second layer that actually the fat was there to justify to myself why men found me unattractive. In other words, if I was overweight, I didn't have to look any deeper for the reason why in junior school the boy I loved never asked me to do country dancing with him. The decision I made at this age was that men will not fancy me, so I may as well pretend I don't care - sometimes I even convinced myself.
This uncovering the reasoning behind my obesity kept me going for years.
And then I found the real reason.
One of the deepest levels of belief that I held about myself, an unbreakable rule even, was that it was not ok for me to be seen. I did everything I could in all areas of my life to avoid coming to anybody's attention - personal, career, you name it. This was the point of greatest 'danger' for me. I was a very bright kid, but got very mixed messages about that from my family, and eventually learned to protect myself by hiding away and not really ever doing as well as I should have. And of course, being fat is the ultimate invisibility cloak.
Looking back over the past couple of years I can see the path that I've taken to shed this belief. It started when I fulfilled a secret lifelong ambition, and started to take singing lessons. I'd always sang, all the time, but only under my breath so that no-one could hear me. Taking the lessons was the catalyst for me emerging from behind my disguise, and everything I've done since has been steps to allowing myself to be seen, to move into my purpose in life and stick my head above the parapet.
Has it been scary? You betcha! There have been obstacles, my ego has done it's darnedest to keep me invisible and 'safe', setting up some horrible experiences that have tested me to the limit. But I am safe, and nothing can harm me. I'm a grown-up now, I can handle the fact that some people will criticise and disapprove of me.
And I don't have to feel shame or be fat any longer. In fact, I thank my ego for doing so well in protecting me all these years, and tell her that she can have a well-earned rest now - I'll take over from here.
This is your truth too. Your fat is serving a purpose and when you have identified it you will be able to release it, as I have. There is nothing to feel ashamed of in doing your best to look after yourself. Your messages may well be very different from mine. But the time has come for you too to take control of your life, release the pounds, release the pain and love your life.
Let me know if I can help in any way, or take a look here: http://julia-eastwood.com.
Love and blessings,
Julia
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